For those of you who’ve grown up in America, you’ve experienced the longing to be married... particularly you women. And whether you’re married or not you’ve seen all the hype that goes into to orchestrating a wedding. Most girls have imagined their white wedding dress from the time they were young. If you’re at all like me you’ve marveled at the details a bride (and sometime her mother and mother-in-law to be) has gone through to put together a picture perfect day. Need I even mention the financial investment a family makes in a one-day wedding celebration? But, we would all agree that the wedding day is one of the most important days of our lives.
Then why do marriages fail at such an astounding rate? Why do they fail when there is so much preparation that goes into the wedding? Do you see where I’m going with this...?
They fail because the preparations are primarily for a wedding. Not for a lifetime of marriage. Imagine how careful preparation with Godly counsel and a good dose of wisdom might affect marriage/divorce statistics.
Similarly, when we prepare for the arrival of a child - biological or adoptive - we put far too much focus on temporal things. We paint the room only after spending an inordinate amount of time choosing the color at Home Depot. I know. We did it. We spend endless hours searching for the perfect crib or darling clothes. We did that too. But we were under-prepared in how to parent this precious child.
Having been there and “gotten the t-shirt” - both on the incomplete preparation for marriage and parenthood - I have learned a few things that would have been helpful. I propose we take a far more hardy approach on both fronts. But, let’s talk about the adoption and parenthood for the moment.
First, we must be honest with ourselves. I was mistaken when I felt that my first child who we adopted was for us. When, in truth, God chose us to parent her for His glory and her good, not for our pleasure. The parenting of any child is an enormous responsibility, but we would be wise to prepare ourselves with the hurts that are likely to come with a child who we adopt. Then, needless to say, we ought to gain tools necessary to parent these beloved gifts from God. We need to prepare ourselves for the daunting task of shaping a soul to the glory of God.
We must be honest about who our children are. The children who we are adopting are, by definition, coming from some sort of hurt past - even the newborn. The bottom line is that adoption is something that comes as a part of God’s redemption story for a broken world. In His perfect plan adoption would not be necessary. So, we had better see how we can best parent our adopted children who must be parented uniquely. There are numerous books about attachment and bonding for the adoptive child. There are wonderful Godly people who understand the broken-heartedness orphaned children experience and how to be agents of healing for them. I wish I had read them in advance, but alas, I am reading them now! And furthermore, we need to be in fellowship as we journey especially with others who’ve experienced challenges with their children. Let’s see our children for who they are, meet them where they are, and honor the Lord by bringing the healing touch to our children.
We must learn to focus on eternal investments - not temporal ones. If we as a community of adoptive & foster families spent a far greater investment in emotional and practical preparation than we do on the perfect stroller, our children would be greatly served. And to tell you the truth we would be better off as parents as well.
Let us serve the Lord and our children by making ourselves ready. Preparing for the worst and hoping in the Lord for the best.
